So not succeeding has never been a favorite result of mine, and I'm not very good at dealing with it... but I'm trying to get better. I, unfortunately, did not pass my National Boards. While I always knew this was a possibility (only about 50% of the candidates certify on their first attempt), after 6 months of exhausting work and a large sum of money, I was hoping that I had achieved my goal. On Friday morning I found out that I had literally only earned 274 points, and I needed to 275 to get my certification!
My first feeling was disappointment... why did I waste so much of my time and energy? How was I going to stand up in the Palm (our auditorium) and present to the rest of the district about how I use 21st Century Skills in my classroom when they would all be staring and wondering how and why I didn't pass? How was I going to tell all of the people who loved and supported me. After all, they were the ones who kept saying, "Sure, you'll pass... no doubt about it!"
The second thought was "does this mean I'm not a good teacher?" Would my kids be better off in some other teacher's classroom?
And the third thought was how am I going to get through the day teaching when all I really feel like doing is curling up in a ball and crying?
However, 36 hours later, I am in a much better place. Not only did I make it through the day with my kids, but they were supportive and more well behaved than any teacher has a right to expect on a Friday before a ten day vacation. They were quiet and obedient, and even freer with their hugs than normal. It was also a great teaching point... even though you work your hardest, sometimes the reward is still just out of reach. It just means you have to keep working a little bit harder until you can reach out a grab it. Great for the end of the trimester as report cards go home and awards are given out.
I also spent some much needed time with my colleagues, who assured me that their minds had already been made up about me as a teacher and team mate. They say that two and a half years of working together means much more than NB certification, even if my scores aren't "adequate."
And most importantly, I've been thinking about why I went through the process to begin with. I can't lie and say that my goal was not achieving NB certification. But more important than that was to be more invested in the classroom. It was a tool I used to challenge myself to better understand my students and the curriculum I teach... to stay on top of the "best practices" of educating our future generations and not fall into the survival mode of teaching. And in this area, I did succeed! I know that in my heart. I look at my classroom and my students in a much different way now than I did one year ago. I see their differences in several variances of beautiful light instead of shades of gray.
Obviously, it's been a rough few days and I'm sure their are more rough spots ahead as I rework the parts of my portfolio that were not "proficient." It's not going to be easy to wait once again until this time next year to find out if I have earned the elusive 275 points. The bright side is that I will only have one entry to be working on this time... I can spend much more time perfecting it!
Thanks to everyone who called or emailed with love and support. You're what has me smiling on days like today! It's all going to be okay...
